"Puh-leeze!"

"No."

"Why not?"

Silence.

"Puh-leeeeezzzee!"

"Gary, stop it! 3rd-graders act more mature than you."

Sticks tongue out. Pause. "Puh-leeezzeee!"

I had two options, as most parents do: Cave, or stand firm. I caved.

Gary became enamored with the Dr. Oz 3-Day Detox Cleanse from a friend of ours, who has a similar, gung-ho, world-be-damned, optimistic attitude as Gary (and most Labs). She happened to tell Gary about the cleanse the day after we had eaten 471 bowls of chips at a Mexican restaurant and topped it off with homemade caramel corn and a movie. Result: 4-lb. weight gain overnight.

"It's all salt," I said, whispering, "And fat."

"What?"

"It's a false-positive weight gain. You'll lose it all after we hike today."

He didn't lose it all. And, thus, the begging continued.

"OK," I said.

An hour later, Gary returned from the store, after having spent $75 on kale, cucumbers, mango and celery.

"We could've gone to a nice restaurant for that amount!" I yelled.

"And shortened our lifespan," he replied.

Gary looked at me. Gary is a group-activity guy. He loves yoga, group exercise classes, gardening clubs. I ... do not. But if something is important to Gary, I will join in. For better or worse, right?

We decided to start on Monday.

Now, let me digress: We are, by and large, very healthy eaters. In fact, I am routine, to a fault. I have the same breakfast and lunch most every day:

Breakfast
-Kashi with skim milk and blueberries or raisins
-Banana
-Black coffee or skim milk white chocolate latte

Snack
-Apple, or 1/2 protein bar

Lunch
-Morningstar burger (black bean or veggie)
-Side salad (romaine or spinach, with carrot, tomato, cucumber, red pepper, lite vinaigrette)
-Yogurt

Snack
-1/2 protein, or string cheese

Dinner is usually chicken or fish (love to grill), as well as a veggie (broccoli, roasted asparagus, salad, sliced/roasted sweet potato, etc.)

I once weighed nearly 260 pounds, and have lost -- through exercise, healthy eating, mental/spiritual/emotional/creative/professional health, and damn hard work/determination - roughly 115 pounds, which I have kept off for some 15 years. People often damn me for ordering oatmeal at a brunch out, or for ordering a kale/quinoa salad for dinner, but I enjoy eating well. It's not worth it to sabotage all my hard work.

That does NOT mean I don't enjoy food/life (witness the chips). Gary is a fabulous baker (the best I've ever eaten), and his desserts are worth every bite, every extra minute on the treadmill, every extra mile running. We eat out a few times a week, and are experimental with our eating. I do not micromanage my eating those times. But I do believe that healthy eating is tied to emotional health, and I know that good decisions lead to others: If I can eat well most of the time, I can enjoy -- without guilt -- eating the rest of the time.

Thus, we begin Day 1 of the Dr. Oz Cleanse with my observations:


Breakfast
-Woke at pre-dawn Pacific Time to do radio interview Eastern Time. Breakfast drink was surprisingly delicious. Began to bemoan lack of caffeine by 8 a.m. Felt tired and never really recaptured mojo rest of day.

Lunch
-Nightmare. The celery/cuke/kale/green apple concoction looked and tasted like gazpacho vomit. I willed myself to gag it down, pretending I was on The Amazing Race and had to eat poo water to keep from being eliminated. Witness my melt down here, and anger at Dr. Oz:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fH2jGj3BO-s&feature=youtu.be

For my lunch break, I went to the gym and worked out (weights/shoulders/biceps, abs and elliptical for 35 minutes).

Dinner
-Dinner shake had a kick to it due to cayenne but was pretty good.

End of Day 1 Thoughts/Conclusions:

-I am hungry.

-I miss crunchy things.

-Though I drink copious amounts of water every day, I have tinkled much more than usual.

-We are a processed food nation. Even though I pat myself on the back about eating Kashi, protein bars and Morningstar burgers, they were made for me (and lots of others) by someone else. There is something very profound about knowing everything you're putting into your body is fresh, healthy, not processed.

-It also takes time: Gary spent roughly 15-20 minutes making each shake. Which is why we buy processed foods. Why don't we take more time to cook for ourselves, our families, our bodies?

-I am addicted to caffeine and sugar. Right now, I crave a pick-me-up, esp. some sugar. I want a cookie, some ice cream. I also realize that, as a writer, I'm a stress eater, and that stress eating (not listed above) typically results in me eating sugar, oftentimes spoonfuls of sugar. I will often fill a tablespoon with whipped cream and then dip it in granulated sugar (or powdered sugar, or brown sugar). Not snacking has made me conscious, even after one day, of what I tend to run to when I'm stressed.

A friend of mine has written that we need to be "conscious" with our food: She means that we tend to eat poorly when we're stressed, or tired, or not thinking (cookies/ice cream in front of the TV, for instance). She also believes that if you want something bad, you should have it. But that you should make it. That way, you know what has gone into. You appreciate it. You are more likely to eat less of it, because you're conscious of it.

More to come on Day 2.

Happy cleansing ... Or as Honey Boo-Boo might say to me: "You better hope your bootie-boo don't explode, Poodle!"