Mother’s Day: The Priveleged Few
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Grandma Shipman used to install 20-foot inflatable reindeer on her roof, wrap our gifts in velvet bows, and bake and hand decorate hundreds of Santa Claus cookies, whipping and dying the icing so that Santa’s coat looked red and velveteen, his beard white as snow, his eyes glistening from just that little extra coating of sugar.
Birthdays meant homemade cakes with mile-high frosting and colorful balloons filling the kitchen; Halloween meant carving pumpkins and laughing at witches that had flown directly into my grandma’s lightpole outside her home.
But when my grandmother became ill, and her health slowly and methodically began to decline, our holidays became more minimalistic.
It was too difficult for me to see my grandmother as some sort of ghost of Christmas past, so I began to stay away more and more during the holidays while she lived in a nursing home. What I missed during this absense, I would later discover, was the fact that my mom had taken on my grandma’s role. In fact, my mother spent inordinate amounts of time in my grandma’s nursing home room recreating those cherished holidays for her: She lavishly decorated her tree, she helped my grandma carve a pumpkin, and she walked into her room – ignoring all codes and regulations – with sparklers ablaze on the 4th of July.
One spring evening, after I had not visited home in a particularly long time, my mother called and said, simply but directly, “I think it’s time you visited your grandmother in the nursing home. I expect to see you here on Mother’s Day.”
“But …” I started.
“No ‘but’s,’” my mom said.
“But, she’s not my mother, mother.”
And then my mom hung up on me.
I cussed my entire five-hour drive home, lamenting a lost weekend.
As a young man, I had so many better things to do than visit my grandmother in a nursing home. I had more important things to think about, other things to occupy my time and mind than the very real fact that my grandmother was dying and that youth was fleeting and that, sooner, or later, this would eventually be my fate.
When I returned home that Mother’s Day, I walked in to find my mother a changed woman.
She seemed harder, tougher, but more resilient. She didn’t gush over my return, like usual. She said, very directly, “It’s about time.”
That Sunday, my mother and I went to visit my grandmother on Mother’s Day, bringing her a vase of hand-picked peonies from her garden, a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a stack of elaborately wrapped gifts – ones that looked as if they might be photographed for a style magazine – hauling them into the very nice nursing home and past a few patients, some of whom sat motionless, wheelchair-bound, in the throes of dementia.
As we made our way past, a couple of the patients began to wail and flail, just like babies, unable to convey their emotions that visitors had come to call.
When I passed an ancient woman with a shock of white hair who was eating her lunch off the tray of her wheelchair, she suddenly stuck an arthritic hand into her compartment of corn and tossed a handful of kernels at me and said, in a disturbingly matter-of-fact way, “Well, look who the dog dragged in. If it ain’t Sonny, home from the war.”
And, just as quickly, she began screaming.
And crying.
Yelling, “Sonny, my baby!”
She was coughing up corn and ghosts from deep within her body.
I crumpled against my mother, and we made our way to my grandma’s room, which was marked simply and sweetly – like a kindergarten teacher might designate her room on the opening day of school – with only her first name – “Viola” – drawn in purple Crayon, just like her floral namesake.
“I’ll go in first,” my mom said, taking all the presents. “I want to prepare her. It’ll be easier this way, OK?”
There was something about the word “prepare” – prepare my grandma for what, I thought – that made me highly uncomfortable, made my teeth begin to chatter, which I tried to blame on the chill in the nursing home.
I waited outside the door a minute or two, until my curiosity got the best of me, and then I peeked my head around the frame, and saw not my grandma, but a nearly unrecognizable version of her – bloated, pale, a mass of white, brushed-out perm’ed hair, no make-up, no dentures.
My mother was hugging a ghost.
I retreated, standing flat against the blandly cheery wallpaper in the hallway. I tried to grip something to keep myself from falling, and finally managed to grab the safety bar that served as the home’s functional dsaachair rail before I slid all the way to the linoleum floor.
I shut my eyes, to stop the spinning, and tried to remember my grandmother as she had been.
My grandma’s sole dream in life was to be a mother and a grandmother. Happiness pulsed from her body, joy radiated from her soul, when she engaged in the simplest of daily pleasures, the ones that made her family smile: Frosting a towering, three-layer cherry chip cake; making homemade pie crusts; pulling sugar cookies out of her oven; giving hugs; decorating for the holidays; simply listening to her family tell the tales of their lives.
My grandma was a simple woman, and – as I grew older and more bitter about my course in life, the fact I was gay, the belief I might never find happiness – I equated her simpleness with naivete.
That was a mistake.
And when I longed to tell her the story of my life – to have her sit and listen to me around her Formica dining room table like she did when I was young – it was too late.
“Wade?” I heard my mother say. “Wade, do you want to come in?”
I stood, rounded the corner, and my grandma looked at me, rather blankly, like a babysitter might look at a child they once cared for, with vague familiarity but no emotional ties.
“Mom? It’s Wade? It’s James Wade. Remember?”
I approached her bed gingerly – as if I were walking around landmines – and she looked at me, trying to fit the pieces together somewhere in her head, and when she did, she began to bawl, to caress my face like it was a baby rabbit, as if I were the most tender and precious and beautiful thing she had ever seen.
And then she started screaming.
Always an emotional woman, my grandmother’s illness had made her even more emotionally vulnerable, and my mother told me she would now start crying without reason at any minute of the day, unable to put into words her feelings of loss or fear or happiness.
I took a seat in one of those nursing home chairs that looks inviting but is not comfortable, that beg you to sit but not stay, and listened to the roar of the TV infomercial my grandma had going.
My grandmother never watched TV.
I stared out the window, and watched it rain, watched the wrens collect at the little feeder my mother had hung just outside of her window. My grandma’s world was now this window.
My mom clicked off the TV, silencing the incessant noise and bringing blissful quiet to the room. A sense of calm seemed to envelope not only me but also my grandmother.
And then, out of the blue, my grandma began pointing at pictures on her wall and nightstand, at a photo of her husband, her daughters, her grandchildren, of those who had died before her, or those who rarely came to visit, and my mom would give one to her, and she’d hold it closely, hugging the picture like it was the person, closing her eyes and remembering something from long ago.
My grandma would look at my mom, struggling to lift her hand to her mouth, and then point at the picture she was holding. She was asking my mom to speak for her. We sat for hours that Mother’s Day, my mom telling stories of our family, for my grandmother, and, then, at the very end, my grandma pointed at me and then at a picture of me she had beside her bed, one of me when I was very little, dressed in a tiny bow tie.
“My baby!” she moaned, managing to find words – from somewhere deep inside – words which I thought she had lost long ago. “My baby Wade!”
And then it was me who began to cry, to bawl, my false bravado shattering, my gasps causing the wrens at the window to stop eating and take notice of the commotion.
My grandma lifted her fists and dabbed at my face, wiping tears, and then put her hands to her mouth, asking me to talk.
I scooched my chair up to her bed and held her hands, and it was then I knew that she knew me, truly knew me, because she just stared at me, smiling, like a baby at its mom, watching my every move, listening intently to my every word, like she did when I was young and we sat at her little kitchen table.
So I sat for an hour and finally told my grandmother about my life.
When we left her that day, I asked my mom on the ride home, “How do you do it? How can you do it? Every day? It’s such an obligation.”
“The question is,” my mom answered, “‘How can I not do it?’”
Her voice got a little shaky, and she said, “Do you know I visit nearly every person there? Their families and friends no longer come, because everyone is too busy to be bothered. Your grandmother spent her whole life sacrificing for me, so I could be the first to go to college, the first to have a career, so I could have an easier life than she ever had.”
And then my mom slowed the car, her hands trembling on the wheel.
“And it’s not an obligation, Wade. It’s a privelege.”
There was an awkward moment of silence. I looked down at the speedometer and noticed my mom was driving 20 mph. Joggers were passing us.
And then my mom, the lifelong nurse who retired and became a hospice nurse, said, “When parents and grandparents age and become infirmed, families no longer want to deal with it. They visit in the beginning, out of guilt, and then it becomes a hassle, something they have to do between soccer lessons and work. People see these as ‘the bad years,’ but this is simply our time to take care of our elders, just like my mother cared for me when I was a baby. Those weren’t such great years for her, I’m sure. She struggled to put food on the table. And I certainly couldn’t talk. I could only tell her what I was thinking or feeling through my emotions. This is the same thing. She is the baby now. And I am the mother. It is my time to care for her, let her pass onto God with dignity and love, let her know during every single moment I spend with her these final days that it has been my privelege to be her daughter.”
It would be the last Mother’s Day of my grandmother’s life.
And, as I learned that day, it was my privilege – not obligation – to spend it with her.
posted by Wade Rouse at
9:09 AM
25 Comments:
Thank you for that, it was truly beautiful.
Pardon me now, but I've got to find a box of kleenex.
This comment has been removed by the author.
What a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
I worry about nursing homes. Right now, I think that when my parents are that old, I want to keep them close. Learn how to take care of them and keep them with me at my home until they pass and when they do, I'll open a window and let them go.
Thank you enormously for "It's All Relative". Originally from New Orleans, I have been in the Midwest for two decades, and am now in the midst of a bloody divorce. My elderly neighbor let me borrow "It's All Relative", a little concerned that she might be disrespecting the current tenor of my life by doing it. It has been Such a pleasure to get to know your work. Whenever I have a particularly onerous task to accomplish, I begin and end it with a venti China green tips and an hour with your book. The poignant stories, like this one, particularly. It's helping me to remember how much good there still is in the world.
I would have been honored to attend your puppy shower/anniversary party, and I would have brought the largest crystal punch bowl I could lay my hands on, for when Marge was big enough to use it as her water dish.
Thanks for being there.
This was a very memorable and very beautiful excerpt from your book.
I was laughing and crying and laughing all the way from SFO to ORD earlier this month reading your It's All Relative book.
Love your work. Keep it up!!!
I literally JUST finished reading this chapter this morning and thought it was so beautiful! I have thoroughly enjoyed all of your books - such an amazing mix of humor and emotion!! I anxiously await "Biggest Bitch" and every book after that!
Thank you so much for this. I am an 8th grade English teacher and knew this would be perfect for my students' memoir unit. They were so moved. They responded in writing, and they asked me to send their responses to you. I am sending them to Wendy Sherman.
I am a huge fan and it was privilege for me to use your writing in my class.
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My husband left me and our 2 kids for another woman for 3 years. I tried to be strong just for my kids but I could not control the pains that torment my heart. I was hurt and confused. I needed a help, so i did a research on the internet and came across a site where I saw that Dr. Aluya a spell caster, can help get lovers back. I contacted him and he did a special prayer and spells for me. To my surprises, after some days, my husband came back home. That was how we reunited again and there was a lot of love, joy and peace in the family.
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I'm brenna wood from the US. White Caucasian Female. I'm 43 years old and i got married at the age of 25, I have only two children and i was living happily. After five years of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange that I don’t really understand what was going on. He packed out of the house to another woman’s house and I love him so much that i never dream of losing him, i tried my best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail, i cried and cried seeking for help. I discussed it with my best friend Alison and she told me she can help me. She told me of a man called Dr. Ojoka, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love and Pregnancy issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has helped her and countless number of people in restoring their relationship. I quickly contacted his email address at [email protected] I explain all my problem to him, he told me that I should not worry that all my problems will be fine. Presently, I am very happy I got my husband back to me now and we are living happily with so much love for each other. What app him at +2348144172934
2 weeks to was our marriage anniversary but my husband decided to serve me with a divorce letter.
I have cried to my husband’s family to save our marriage at least for the sake of our kids. He is just fooled to have forsaken his family for a university girl, I am so depressed to the verge of committing suicide but when I look at my 3 years old son I just can’t anymore.
Just 3 days ago my I was told they went to Bahamas for vacation when he is still being payment on his child support, I have sold my car just to keep paying the mortgage. I have given my all to my children and left with absolutely nothing but my breadth. My sister saw my condition when she came to see her nieces and Nephew, she forced me to contact [email protected]. com, Since that moment my life has changed. I has just been 48 hours and guess what? I have my car back, my husband is back home, and left the stupid bitch in Bahamas. I have never seen anything work this fast in my entire 42 years of my life.
My husband gave me his car, and drove me to court yesterday to renew our vow. I am so happy that my marriage is working again and things are back to normal in just 48 hours. My husband contacted me immediately the love dr Finished the spell. It was instantly. I am still in shock waiting to see how long this will last. But for now it feels like heaven, because my husband is right inside with me, just like we first met when I agreed to marry him.
The love doctor said it is forever. I will keep testifying if this spells forever just like he guaranteed. Go get your lover back now.
DO YOU NEED A GOOD SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK YOUR LOST LOVE EMAIL: [email protected] FOR HELP I have been in relationship with my boyfriend for 2 year now and we were planning to get married soon and all of a sudden he left me for another girl, i really love this guy and never can imagine my life without him. I further tried all my best to get him back but all my effort to get him back in my life did not work out. It was on this faithful day, i came across some comments on a website about this great spell caster called Dr love so many persons claimed that he help them to renew their relationship and bring their ex back, i had to contact him because he was my last hope. I contacted him through his email and he assured me that in two days time my boyfriend is going to leave the other girl and come back to me and it was a very great surprise to see my boyfriend coming back to me after two days. I am so very happy today that he came back to me and i achieved this with the help of Dr love and i advice if you need his help too email him direct at ([email protected] com)
I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: Emu[email protected] or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.
Website: http://emutemple.website2.me/
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