APRIL FOOL'S DAY: "Joke's on Me!"
Friday, April 1, 2011
“Beggin’ for blurbs,” as I call it, is the author equivalent of a wedgie: You know what’s coming is going to be painful, but you can’t stop it.
My last “official” wedgie occurred on April Fool’s Day decades ago when our rural Eddie Haskell asked, “Knock, knock? Who’s there?”, and before I could reply, said, “Your underwear!”, before lifting me into the air by my Hanes. It’s a punchline I still don’t get, considering the comedy was entirely physical.
Flash forward twenty years to the publication of my first memoir. One of the initial media interviews I conducted was on April Fool’s Day, a week before America’s Boy was set to publish.
I felt ready to conquer the world.
But the DJ asked what it felt like to be compared to Augusten Burroughs and Haven Kimmel, the two memoirists mentioned in my jacket copyd, as well as David Sedaris.
It was then I knew I was damned.
“Have you met them?” the Morning Zoo asked me. “Are they as hilarious in person?”
The closest I have ever come to Burroughs, Kimmel or Sedaris is “beggin’ them for blurbs.”
In fact, I spent weeks crafting a pitch letter to these writers I’d never met but long admired. I perfected prose that was complimentary, but not stalker-ish; hilarious yet poignant.
Then I spent hours staring at the “Send” icon, wondering what these authors were doing at that very moment.
Was Burroughs between pieces of Nicorette and, if so, be irritated when he opened the e-mail?
Was Amy Sedaris making a bologna casserole for David? And would my e-mail be funny enough to make him go, “Get over here, Amy. This Wade Rouse is funnier than Two and A Half Men. We must blurb.”
Of course not.
Burroughs’ assistant kindly said he no longer provided blurbs.
I tried for six months to contact Sedaris, which proved more painful than giving myself rhinoplasty.
Kimmel kindly agreed to read my manuscript, if she had time.
I never heard from her again.
I assumed she despised the book, and, thus, opted not to send, “This Is the Worst Piece of Crap I’ll Ever Read in My Life!” Which is a shame, because my publicist could easily have edited that to read: “This Is the … Piece … I Will … Read [All] My Life!”
I harbor no ill-will. They’re busy, trying to lead normal lives, and I realize they’re overwhelmed by such requests.
I guess I’d just like to see some publishing evidence that blurbs really help sell books, or if they are simply internal ego-boosters, like literary Botox.
Ironically, moments after my April Fool’s media debacle, a well-known author I’d asked for a blurb e-mailed – a year after my request – with a catty note, the basic sense of which was, “Do you know who I am?”
Yes. Which is why I had asked in the first place.
My April Fool’s joke was no longer funny. Which is why my partner, Gary, dragged me to a psychic.
To undo the blurb curse.
Now, I don’t believe in psychics. They are the equivalent of Ron Popeil in a turban.
However, Gary adores one particular back alley medium, who wears a pound of purple eyeshadow and has more feral cats than teeth.
“She has ‘the gift,’” Gary told me.
It cost me $50 for a half hour, roughly what my dentist charges, money I’m convinced he doesn’t spend on cat food and vodka.
When we arrived, the psychic led me to a dark room, incense burning, pushed me into a rickety chair in front a cloth-draped table, and stared into a glass ball I’m convinced she bought at Spencer’s.
She leaned dramatically across the table, grabbed my hands, shut her eyes.
“I can feel your stress,” she said. “I see great things in your future, if you can just transcend your doubt.”
Gary whispered, “Concentrate, Wade. Unchain your baggage. Release the image of Augusten Burroughs. Let go of Haven Kimmel. Set the Sedaris spirit free.”
Just like that, the psychic dropped my hands as if they were made of concrete, and screamed, “Oh, my God, you know them? They’re my favorite writers! Are they as funny in person?”
I clamped my eyes shut, and concentrated. In fact, for once I swore I could hear the spirits talking, telling me something very specific:
“Start writing fiction. Perhaps novelists blurb.”
posted by Wade Rouse at
7:55 AM
11 Comments:
I think blurbs are just ego boosters for the writers who wrote whatever book because I never read the blurbs unless they are written by someone I like and then that means nothing as far as the book the blurb is about. I normally buy books based on reviews I read online, in the newspaper or hear about from friends. With the latter being my most go-to method.
I love your writing!
Hi Wade,
BlogFront.org is committed to uphold the quality standards of blogging. We strive to maintain and promote only the most credible blogs in their respective fields.
Spam blogs or "splogs" has been a problem for some time now and people are getting confused about which blog to trust.
We would like to thank you for maintaining such a reputable blog. We know that it takes time, effort and commitment to keep such a blog and as such, we have added your blog as one of the top Fantasy Novels Blogs.
You can see your blog listed here: http://blogfront.org/fantasy-novels/6
You can also claim your BlogFront Top Blogs badge at http://blogfront.org/badges/fantasy-novels
Thank you for keeping your blog credible. Let's keep the blog revolution alive!
Maria Blanchard
BlogFront.org
Blog Revolucion
I suppose trying to get attention and recognition in any arena is a challenge, whether it is the author of a book or someone trying to promote and market a buy books smartphone app.
Contact Dr Ojoka at [email protected] if you want to get your Husband, Wife, Boyfriend and Girlfriend back now and regain your happiness.
Hi i am from USA I have just experience the wonders of Dr. ojoka love spell, that have been spread on the internet and worldwide, How he marvelously helped people all over the world to restored back their marriage life and get back lost lovers, and also help to win lottery. I contacted him after going through so many testimonies from different people how he help to bring back ex lover back, i told him about my husband that abandoned me about 8 months ago, and left home with all i had.. dr ojoka only told me to smile and have a rest of mind he will handle all in just 24 hours, After the second day my husband called me, i was just so shocked, i pick the call and couldn't believe my ears, he was really begging me to forgive him and making promises on phone.. He came back home and also got me a new car just for him to proof his love for me. i was so happy and called Dr ojoka and thanked him, he only told me to share the good news all over the world .. Well if you need an effective and real spell caster contact Dr ojoka Via email: d[email protected] or Call or WhatsApp: +2348144172934
Hello i want to share my amazing experience with the greatest spell caster Dr omohan my husband was cheating on me and when i found out we had a fight which lead to him filling for a divorce i cried and fell sick when i was searching about love quotes online i saw people talking about him and his great work whose case was similar to mine they left his contact info i contacted him and he told me not to worry that after 24hrs he will cancel the divorce and be back to me after i did everything he asked me to do to my greatest surprise the next day evening it was my husband he knelt down begging me to accept him back,thank you once again Dr omohan you are indeed a blessing to me he can also help you contact email: [email protected] WhatsApp +2348164816038
LOVE SPELLS THAT WORKS I am sharing this testimony to partners suffering in their relationships because there is an enduring solution.
My husband left me and our 2 kids for another woman for 3 years. I tried to be strong just for my kids but I could not control the pains that torment my heart. I was hurt and confused. I needed a help, so i did a research on the internet and came across a site where I saw that Dr. Aluya a spell caster, can help get lovers back. I contacted him and he did a special prayer and spells for me. To my surprises, after some days, my husband came back home. That was how we reunited again and there was a lot of love, joy and peace in the family.
You can as well contact Dr. Aluya , a powerful spell-caster for solutions on his contact aluya.48hou[email protected] or directly on Whats App: +2348055431163
I'm brenna wood from the US. White Caucasian Female. I'm 43 years old and i got married at the age of 25, I have only two children and i was living happily. After five years of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange that I don’t really understand what was going on. He packed out of the house to another woman’s house and I love him so much that i never dream of losing him, i tried my best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail, i cried and cried seeking for help. I discussed it with my best friend Alison and she told me she can help me. She told me of a man called Dr. Ojoka, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love and Pregnancy issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has helped her and countless number of people in restoring their relationship. I quickly contacted his email address at [email protected] I explain all my problem to him, he told me that I should not worry that all my problems will be fine. Presently, I am very happy I got my husband back to me now and we are living happily with so much love for each other. What app him at +2348144172934
DO YOU NEED A GOOD SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK YOUR LOST LOVE EMAIL: [email protected] FOR HELP I have been in relationship with my boyfriend for 2 year now and we were planning to get married soon and all of a sudden he left me for another girl, i really love this guy and never can imagine my life without him. I further tried all my best to get him back but all my effort to get him back in my life did not work out. It was on this faithful day, i came across some comments on a website about this great spell caster called Dr love so many persons claimed that he help them to renew their relationship and bring their ex back, i had to contact him because he was my last hope. I contacted him through his email and he assured me that in two days time my boyfriend is going to leave the other girl and come back to me and it was a very great surprise to see my boyfriend coming back to me after two days. I am so very happy today that he came back to me and i achieved this with the help of Dr love and i advice if you need his help too email him direct at ([email protected] com)
I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: [email protected] or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.
For more details about Dr Emu visit his Website: http://emutemple.website2.me/
Editing service. If you have already written your paper but need another pair of eyes to look at it, try our editing service. The biggest challenges dissertation writing services students face these days are submitting papers on time and being able to keep up with their classmates.
Sometimes, the hardest part of the essay is generating is varsity tutors a legit company the right thesis. We can do this for you. Whether you want just the thesis or the full essay behind it, we can do that.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home